Condemnation
The storm that came through our city this morning about 4:00 a.m. woke me and I was unable to go back to sleep. I can’t really blame the wind and rain for my sleeplessness, though. There seemed to be another kind of storm blowing within me. My soul was wrestling with a conundrum of the Christian faith I have contemplated off and on for decades. It is the debate over law and grace. I bet you wake up at 4:00 a.m. thinking about these things, too, right? Why am I so weird like that? Maybe I should count myself among the greatest theological minds of all time beginning with St. Paul. Surely, they debated these things with themselves in the wee hours of the morning. Okay, not. However, in reading some of these great theologians, I can conclude that many of them understood grace and law no better than I.
Here’s my difficulty. I have a strong accusatory voice within me. I struggle with being “good enough.” Good enough for what or for whom, I’m not sure (I’m working on that one). This accuser points out all the things I could be doing better and all the ways I fail myself, my family, and my God. I break law after law–I eat too much, I don’t work hard enough, I lust, I envy, I’m selfish, and the list goes on. I am a dead man walking, condemned for my sins. I cannot and never will climb the mountain of perfection, so I am doomed to daily condemnation for that which I cannot achieve. On the other hand, Paul tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. He talks about how Jesus’ death and resurrection have made me righteous. Theologically, I know I am forgiven because of God’s abundant grace. However, the accuser within me refuses to forgive the sinner in me.
I keep telling myself it’s my task to work on all my faults. When I do that, however, I am simply reminded of my failings and wallow in self-condemnation, if not God-condemnation. I haven’t figured out the answer yet. This morning I reread several chapters in Romans where Paul tries to explain the freedom from law we Christians talk about but have trouble understanding and living. I finally settled on Romans 8:5 for my current answer. “Those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.” Rather than filling my mind with all my short comings, I’m going to try to fill my mind with God’s Spirit. I’m going to try to focus on the desires of God rather than my perpetual failings. God does not condemn. I think it’s the Spirit’s desire that I, too, stop condemning.
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