Tension
The parents and caregivers of children dealing with emotional and behavioral health issues often live in a prison of negative emotions. I know. I’m one. We experience anger–sometimes at our child for what he or she is doing to us, sometimes at others who don’t understand and blame us for our children’s behavior, sometimes at ourselves for repeatedly failing so miserably. We experience shame and guilt for the damage our children sometimes do to others. We live with grief over what we’ve lost and fear we will never gain–healthy adult relationships with our children. Our lives are often enveloped with a dark cloud of sadness and gloom and hope seems an impossible dream.
I use the plural “we” here because I’m not alone. There are five to six million children in the United States with some kind of severe emotional disturbance (SED). Each of these children have caregivers who experience the same emotions and sense of failure I often feel. Unfortunately, there is not much help for these family members. I spent a couple of hours in a book store today examining the titles of books having to do with families dealing with SED kids. There is quite a lot out there on how to parent such a child, but nothing on how a parent takes care of himself or herself in the midst of the household turmoil.
Families like mine will always have negative emotions as part of their family’s culture. We cannot avoid it. It comes with the territory. However, I’m learning that those negative emotions don’t have to dominate my life. I can be angry at my child and love him at the same time. I can experience shame and pride simultaneously. I can weep for my losses even while I laugh at our circumstances. It is even possible to experience peace and hope alongside my sense of defeat. Positive and negative emotions are not mutually exclusive. Health and life are possible for parents like me when we learn to hold our emotions in tension, accepting the grief and clinging to the hope.
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