Neglected Garden
My friend, Janice, helped me see what I was missing in the pictures I posted on April 20. She said, to her, they were pictures of neglect–a neglected building and neglected boats. Both were still functional, but if they continued to be neglected they would soon lose their purpose. As soon as she pointed out the neglect I knew she was right. I was drawn to those pictures because of the neglect in my life. The next thing I had to figure out was what I was neglecting–my family, my soul, my friends, my emotions, what? I’m still working on that part of the equation but I’m beginning to believe it has something to do with honesty.
I’m neglecting an honest look at my life. Honest reflection requires that one splay open the darkest and most sensitive areas of ones life. When I do that, I often don’t like what I see–truth about my abilities and inabilities, truth about the ways I appease rather than stating my own preferences, truth about unnecessary self-deprecation. I also find emotions that I’ve tried to hide or push aside–anger, hopelessness, and despair. Each of these, like weeds in a neglected garden, cannot be contained. They suck the life from those flowers I want to flourish–hope, joy, peace, and love.
So this week I’m trying to be honest with myself about my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I’m taking a serious look at what needs to be weeded out and trimmed off so that other parts of my life can flourish. Honestly (remember, that’s what I’m trying to do), this process is difficult and depressing. It seems that when I recognize a “weed” and start pulling, it doesn’t want to release it’s hold in my life. The harder I pull, the deeper I realize it has set its roots. To truly extricate it will mean major disruption of the soil in my life. Sometimes it’s too hard and I simply want to give up and claim the effort is not worth the payoff. But I know better. Digging deep is sometimes the only way.
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