Forming a Kingdom in Me
I have been enjoying Ted Loder’s book, Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle, given to me by my friend, Janice. Although it is a book of prayers, it reminds me more of a modern day book of psalms. Each prayer/psalm digs deep into the fertile soil of my soul or breaks open the hard ground that needs tilling. This morning I read these words:
I praise you
that out of the turbulence of my life
a kingdom is coming,
is being shaped even now
out of my slivers of loving,
my bits of trusting,
my sprigs of hoping,
my tootles of laughing,
my drips of crying,
my smidgens of worshiping.
I am continually aware that my efforts toward fullness in God are feeble. My loving does often seem like slivers, small pieces that are but a tiny sample of the love God demonstrates to me. Sometimes I wonder if my slivers will ever amount to anything more than shards of broken beauty. I want to love more deeply and more fully, but find it difficult.
The same goes for my trusting and my hoping. They are but bits and sprigs that I dream will one day grow into mighty trees. Right now, however, they are small and vulnerable to shifting winds, torrential rains, and poor soil. They are damaged easily by the wrongs other commit toward me, by my own wrong thinking and acting, and by the unremarkable events of every day that dull my belief in possibilities.
My laughing and crying are both muted by a fear of extremes. Rather than letting lose with a guffaw at the goodness of life, I smirk a half-smile that commits me to nothing. When I should weep over injustice or shed tears with those who grieve, I build walls of protection that insulate me from such sorrow. My laughing comes out in tootles that sound more like snickers and my crying comes out in drips rather than rivers.
Like my laughing and my crying, my worship is reserved, stilted, dignified–perhaps snooty. Rarely, am I able to completely empty myself before the Almighty and drink in the Presence of Life. Instead of throwing my arms around God like lovers separated too long, I settle for a stiff cheek-kiss like a formal European greeting.
The wonderful news, however, is that despite my slivers and bits, sprigs and tootles, drips and smidgens, God is able to shape and mold a kingdom within me. God smiles at the small, sometimes pitiful, offerings we have to give and makes a kingdom out of them–vast stained-glass windows from our slivers, huge forests from our sprigs, mighty rivers from our drips, and mansions from our smidgens. What a wonder!
Comments
Share your thoughts...
