The Wave of Damage We Cause
I’ve recently completed the novel Blue Diary by Alice Hoffman. It’s the story of a very happily married couple. From all outward appearances, the husband is perfect—good looking, deeply and affectionately in love with his wife, a handy man, trusted by the entire community, involved with his child and the children of the community. There couldn’t be a nicer guy anywhere.
Everything is wonderful for this family until a young neighbor girl sees this man’s face on one of those “America’s Most Wanted” type TV shows. It seems he raped and murdered a young 15-year old girl in a nearby state several years before. When the news breaks, everyone’s world seems to collapse. The wife realizes she’s been living with a liar for thirteen years. Their son is traumatized to the point where he cannot speak to his father. The neighbor girl beats up herself for ruining everyone’s life. The murderer’s best friend goes into a deep depression.
Then the author takes the reader to the community where the rape/murder took place and we see how the crimes affected that community. We meet the brother of the victim who became a recluse. We hear of the great grief the parents experienced before they died. We meet a friend of the victim and learn how it forever affected her life.
As I was reading the book, two questions kept begging to be asked.
- How do our “sins” affect other people?
- Is it really possible for people to change dramatically?
The answer to the first question, for me, is obvious. All the decisions of our lives affect others around us. We do not live in isolation. When we make bad choices, then not only do we have to pay the consequences, so do the people around us. In addition, those that are affected aren’t always even those closest to us.
Consider the young mother who chooses to drink or do drugs while carrying her child. As a result, the drugs do irreparable damage to the child. He may have mental retardation or physical deformity. He may develop mental illness or learning disabilities. Those “effects” translate into a life-time of struggle for that child and for those who relate to that child over time—school teachers, foster parents, adoptive parents, social workers, etc.
Today, I’m at a conference in New Orleans that is focusing on trauma related services for children. There are many negative events that affect children for life:
- Sexual molestation
- Abuse (verbal and physical)
- Parental Divorce
- Violence in the home
- Drug addicted parents
Children are not the only ones traumatized by others’ “bad” behavior. Consider the family that loses a loved one to a drunk driver, the family that is broken apart by the infidelity of parents, or the person fired because of an employer’s wrong decisions.
Often when we are in the middle of a bad choice, we are not thinking about the wave of disruption these choices will cause others. We are typically concerned only for ourselves and what we want at that moment. All of this gives me pause and forces me to think more critically about all of my actions.
Read more about Hoffman’s Blue Diary in my review of the book.
Question for Honest Reflection:
- Do I consider how my actions will affect other people?
- Do I do what I do out of selfish gain?
- What can I do, if anything, to help undo the damage I’ve done in the past with my actions?
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