Our Tendency to Devour Others
The other day I found myself sitting around a table with a group of friends and acquaintances. One of my table partners began sharing a story about how a mutual friend de-valued him by her actions. He was angry. The conversation then seemed to turn ugly as others in the group chimed in their outrage. The conversation turned into a verbal attack on the offending party who, of course, was not there to defend herself. From there, the discussion seemed to snowball into attacks on other people they knew. Name-calling, demeaning commentary, and poking fun seemed to be the rule.
I found myself feeling increasingly uncomfortable and chose to keep my mouth closed. At one point, a group member noticed my silence and apologized to me for her remarks. The others didn’t seem to notice. In my mind I was searching for ways to defend these individuals even though I had no concrete evidence for or against their actions. I always seem to be looking for excuses for other people. Maybe it is a private search for excuses for my own behavior at times.
I know there have been times in the past when my behavior has angered someone–my kids, my wife, fellow employees, etc. All of us, no doubt, do things that upset others. Often these things are completely unintentional, yet we end up being the brunt of unfair jokes or the stooge of private tongue lashings. I found myself wondering how often I have been the topic of unkind conversation. I suppose we all have at some point in our lives.
The conversation saddened me. My dilemma was how to handle it. Do I speak up and defend someone when I don’t know if they have a legitimate defense? Do I sit quietly as if none of this is happening? Do I put myself on a self-righteous pedestal that looks down on the people engaging in such behavior as if I have never done such things or think I’m better than they? Do I join in the “fun” by adding to the rhetoric in ways that help others accept me as one of the group?
None of the alternatives seem to be acceptable to me. I chose to sit quietly and think about ways to show love in the situation. I did not condemn my friends. I am no better than they and have been guilty of similar activity in the past. If I had said something about how inappropriate the conversation was, I’m afraid they would have simply stopped, then continued when I was not present. This is what I call the “minister phenomenon.”
For those of you who have not been ministers, let me explain. When ministers enter a room, the behavior and conversation of people change immediately. When the minister leaves, the language and behavior return to their previous places. For example, when I was learning to play golf, I used to go to the local public course and link up with a two-some or three-some already there. Along the course, these strangers to me would often cuss, tell dirty jokes, and fill the afternoon with off-color humor. Sometimes around hole six or seven they would ask me what I did for a living. At the time I was a minister and told them so. Immediately, their behavior and language changed. I would hear no more cuss words or dirty jokes the rest of the round.
To interject my “righteous” presence into a group of people who are denigrating someone else seems to me to do little other than stop the conversation in my presence. It doesn’t change their behavior or thoughts in the long run. I think my best response to such behavior is to demonstrate, through example, my values of caring love–to never talk about people that way myself and to lift other people up when others are discussing their faults.
After the conversation, I ran into one of the individuals they were calling names. I stopped to talk. We shared some common interests and connected. I learned new things about him I liked. When we love and care to listen to others, it’s hard to talk badly about them.
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