Our Tendency to Devour Others, Part 2
Yesterday, I talked about the words we speak about others that sometimes come out in insensitive and ugly ways. Those devourings are overt and obvious. We can see them and recognize them easily. They hurt others and do damage to relationships. Today, I’ve discovered another kind of devouring that is more subtle and not as easily recognized, especially when it is in me. The devouring I discussed yesterday is much like a lion savagely ripping open its prey. We bare our sharp teeth and dig in.
The more subtle devouring I want to discuss today is the nitpicking and insensitive attitudes we sometimes have toward others. This devouring is more like the swarm of insects that steal away bits and pieces of a carcass one small bite at at time. This afternoon I discovered what remained of a toad outside my garage door. The lifeless figure lay on its back displaying its thin skeleton. The only flesh remaining clung to the thin legs. Over time, the ants that swarm around my house picked it clean to the bone.
We do this same kind of destructive behavior sometimes without even realizing it. I became aware of my own devouring behavior today because of a relationship issue with someone I love. I thought I had been encouraging him and helping him. It has become clear, however, that although I may have intended that for the most part, my actions didn’t always demonstrate that. My actions often were interpreted as invasive, nitpicking, and devouring–eating away at his soul, his personhood, and his self-esteem. This is a painful thing for me to learn about myself.
When we tell someone one thing then do another, we are saying to them, “You are not valued,” and we take a chunk out of their personhood. When we focus on someone’s failures without lifting up their successes we are eating away at their confidence. When we tell someone they are important and fail to spend time with them, we are saying they are not very important after all. When we try to suggest to people what to do, we are also telling them we disapprove of who they are. Each of these are small bites, but over time like ants eating away at a carcass, these actions devour the very people we love.
I seem to be incapable of seeing these things in myself. I need others to point them out. Sometimes I delude myself (perhaps we all do to some degree) that all my actions are benevolent and loving. I fail to realize how my actions are interpreted and perceived. More dangerously, I fail to realize how often my actions and words are selfish and harmful to others. The difficulty with someone pointing out my relationship failures is that I might construe it as an attempt to devour me rather than as an attempt to save me. Such is the dilemma of love and relationships.
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