Trust God in Your Confusion
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I generally think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. Perhaps all of us hold to that delusion more than we should. I have degrees hanging on my wall to demonstrate to the world how smart I am (actually the diplomas are stored in a box somewhere in my house). I have written a dissertation and undergone the rigors of defending that dissertation. I have taught college and graduate level students.
So why is it I’m so confused about life so often? I cannot discern the motivation of the father who rapes his own daughter. I cannot figure out the rationale of the mentally ill man who repeats the same destructive behavior time after time. It’s beyond me to comprehend the hatred of one group of people for another over nationality, skin color, or religion. I’m unable to figure out how other rational people can think so differently from me on important issues. I’m perplexed about genocide and suicide and the fact that so few care.
It’s not, however, just the strange and “irrational” behavior of others in our world that confuse me. I can easily dismiss those things as some level insanity in others’ lives. What I can’t dismiss so readily are my own inner workings that confound me. Why is it that I continually return to the same sins week after week despite my deep desire to set them aside? Why are trust, patience, humility, and other admirable traits so inconsistent in my life? Why would my rational mind so often digress into irrational worry creating scenarios that will never exist? Why would I treat someone I truly love with harshness or bitterness? Why am I unable to love the way I want to love? Why am I silent in the face of injustice?
Then I think of God and experience further confusion. I wonder where God is when wars are waged and innocent people slaughtered. I wonder how prayers affect God. I wonder on what standard God chooses to intervene. I wonder what part of change is my responsibility and what part is God’s. I wonder about the extent of God’s forgiveness and how it is possible. I wonder how much of our religion is man-made with the flaws of our irrationality and humanity. I wonder what true religion would look like if I/we were not trying to figure it out through our clogged filters.
It is quite clear to me (in my flawed rationality) that the knowledge of humanity on which we depend so heavily for our comprehension of the world is, in reality, limited. Despite how smart any of us think we are, we will never fully comprehend the mysteries of life, relationships, and self-understanding. Coming to this conclusion, I think, is an important step toward true trust in God. As long as we continue to cling to the possibility that we can figure out our world, we have no need for God. When we finally come to the conclusion that we are limited, finite creatures with skewed understandings, then we are able to turn our face toward One beyond us who understands all.
I am often confused despite my “brilliance.” God, however, understands all the mysteries I am unable to piece together. When I stop depending on my own rationality for answers and trust that God sees how everything relates, then I demonstrate my love for God. I am better able to hear God’s instruction rather than depending upon my own instruction. That pleases God.
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