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I Suffer from Hyper-Guilt-Sensitivity

In recent years I’ve become aware of the fact that I constantly feel guilty.  If I haven’t done anything wrong my mind tends to create new things for which I am responsible.  It is true that there are things for which I should feel guilt–when I say hurtful things to someone, when I get so wrapped up in my self that I fail to see the clear needs of those I love, etc.

However, there are also multiple things that I don’t need to feel guilt over but do.  Yesterday, there was an article in our local paper about the number of homeless people in our community.  All day yesterday and into this morning I’ve felt guilt as if the plight of these individuals is solely my fault.  I should be advocating for the homeless more fervently.  I should be giving money to create homeless shelters.  I should be volunteering my time to care for their needs.  At least that’s what my mind tells me.

When I don’t write entries for this blog on a regular basis, it feels as if I’ve committed a crime.  It doesn’t matter that it’s my blog and I can do what I want with it.  Instead, I feel this hyper-responsibility to fulfill some expectation I percieve my readers have.  By not writing, I fail those expectations and experience guilt. 

I experience guilt when my children make bad choices as if I could have somehow prevented it.  I feel guilty when my wife is sad as if it is my responsibility to provide her perpetual happiness.  I feel guilty when I put off a task I need to do even if it’s not due immediately.  At the same time I feel guilty for a doing a task on my To Do list because it means I must neglect my wife or children for a few hours.  I cannot win.  This hyper-guilt-sensitivity is not healthy.

Yesterday I read a passage written by Adolfo Quezada that helped me greatly.  He said that I must first set my guilt before me.  Be specific about what I had done wrong and if need be, make restitution.  At the same time, however, I cannot take responsibility for every wrong in the world.  I must be honest with myself about what is my fault and what is not.  Once I figure that out (which is still quite difficult for me) he says:

Allow the forgiving spirit of love to cleanse your mind and set you free.  Release yourself from the bondage of your own judgment.  Love yourself without condition.  Love yourself through the walls of defensiveness and the darkness of your deeds.  Love yourself beyond whatever you deserve for such is the love of God.

I want to be able to forgive myself and to love myself beyond what I deserve because that is the way God loves me.  I want to love myself the way God loves me rather than constantly condemning myself.  Not even God does that.

Jesus said, “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned”  (John 3:17-18).  So why am I so quick to condemn myself?

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