sadness weighs upon me
Sadness weighs upon me until I can no longer hold my head up, Lord. I bow and weep. I feel defeat and want very much to to retreat. I want to stop the fighting and run from my troubles. I fantasize sometimes about starting all over somewhere else where there will be no problems. At other times I wish I could go back and change decisions that took me down a path I never anticipated. Why am I so good at second-guessing and so lousy at first chances?
Sometimes, God, the defeat I feel has little to do with the circumstances I find myself in, no matter how difficult those circumstances might be. Instead, the defeat comes from the additional burden I place on myself through worry and anxiety. I anticipate the worse. I imagine scenarios that make me so angry I want to lash out, pull back my spear and thrust at the ghosts that do not really exist.
I know that defeat has and will come in my life. I have ridden through the dry valleys of death. I have experienced humility and grieved over loss. They will come again. These things are not mine alone, however. I understand that such experiences are one of the common factors that binds me to all of humanity and to Jesus who suffered on my behalf. What I struggle with is a lack of faith that you ride with me through these moments of fear. I forget that you never abandon me and that I can hold my head up high with the confidence that defeat is nothing.
When I persevere with you at my side I gain hope. Hope leads to faith and faith leads to joy. Tonight, Lord, my faith is weak so I ask for the will to persevere. I ask that you take away my sorrow and replace it with satisfaction in knowing I am your child despite the circumstances I may experience. Remind me of your promise to be with me from now through eternity. Amen.
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